Is it always a bad idea to run away from problems?

I seem to be doing a lot of this-run away…live in fantasy, not think abt blah blah blah. I don’t mean ‘quitting’ or ‘giving up’. What if my predicament is so gripping, I can’t do nothing about? I usually am the kind that would try and try harder before I simply decide to ‘not think of it’. I’m getting there now.

I am so exhausted with reasoning and rationalizing every event, every word spoken, every action committed by me or others concerned. I simply wouldn’t believe in a higher power, and hence can’t ‘leave it all to Him’. Never did that. Would my life be any easier to have faith in the system? I envy the theists. I exist in limbo—I’m an agnostic. Being a theist or atheist is way comfortable. You choose one or the other and get on with the program.

Really, when do you draw the line between 1 and 2—?

1. I’m going to be optimistic and take it as it comes.

2. Screw that, not worth a second of my time.

Knowing me as well as I do…I’m neither an eternal optimist nor a pessimist. I try to work things out until I’m beaten down (in a blind rage). My problem is ‘frustrations’. It sucks my soul out (just like the Dementers!). Venting out helps quite a bit. But how much can I vent until I realize things just DON’T go or have gone your way and its time to compromise?

COMPROMISE-that’s one thing I simply can’t come to terms with or live with. Happy/contented compromise is a myth and an oxymoron.

I deserve what I want, because I have worked for it-How’s that for a positive attitude?

I have been running….quite unsuccessfully mostly…

1. I ran to Ohio—renting a convertible and driving crazy in Cleveland didn’t do much except an adrenaline rush, which lasted until I reached the Cleveland Hopkins.

2. Carmel, beach- Several times with my dog…I think this has done the most help in a twisted, illogical sense. I love water. Water soothes, liberates sets me free.

3. I bought fish—a Red Oscar and a Convict cichlid…Invested time and energy on reading up and maintaining them. This has given me immense happiness…my Oscar was abt 2” when I got him and is grown up to 6” in few months, with flaring red beautiful color, typical of Red Oscars.

4. I ran away to Europe…Germany and Italy soothed my soul. Fierce France reminded me of my misery. Spain was mostly in a ‘hypnotic’ state of mind.

5. Now I plan on going to Krakow, Poland. Somehow, Krakow is salvation.

6. I’m also planning Peru, in my dreams. Mighty, life-giving Amazon will heal my soul. I think so.

I don’t know. Will the pyramids of Gaza help? Will the souqs of Fez help me? Will whale-watching/swimming in Australia or visiting the concentration camp at Auschwitz humble me? Will the Roman colosseum help? Will para-gliding or jet skiing emancipate me? How about vodka? Will it numb me?

I think not! I realize that, but I still don’t see the half full part of the glass. So yes, limbo is where I exist. I am born to be that way-wild, unpredictable.. I’m coded to be that way. I want things to work like I want it to. I can’t be tethered or forced. Call me crazy or wild. That’s exactly what I am.

So traveling clearly isn’t working (That isn’t stopping me from going to Krakow or the Amazon).

Should I just take 10 deep breaths and chill? Probably-And I am doing that as I type.

In conclusion, there isn’t any. Maybe throwing out my dirty laundry in a public domain is not the most sensible thing I’ve done. But, I could do worse.

IS THERE ANYONE THAT CAN CONTROL, GUIDE, TETHER, BALANCE ME? PREFERABLY A MAN!